1.
Are you serious? You know, you’re something else. Always trying to look for a way to control me. Now this. This is borderline manipulation. A divorce? For what? Having fun? Being my own person? Knowing people like me and, God forbid, wanting to spend time with them? Look, just calm down and talk to me when you’re ready to be an adult. You should be lucky you have someone like me putting up with this!
2.
I had some people over, just so you know. Kept the place intact, no broken glass. So, if you do show up…look, I just want you to be aware of what you’re walking into. I told everyone that you’re with your parents, with Jax. Am I allowed to visit? I can come by later, after work, just shout if you need something, if you both need anything. Okay, bye.
3.
What the hell? Where are you? Jax is with your parents, safe and sound, if you really care to know. Your mom said something about you taking a trip. She assumed I knew. I played it off like I did, but what the heck? Are you going to call me and explain? What kind of mother drops her child off with her parents and goes on a trip without telling anyone where she is going? How long will you be gone? Are you alone? Is this all a game to you? Call me.
4.
How long are you going to keep this up? Jax is asking about you. I brought him home where he belongs. Do you even value that right now? I think I’ve given you enough time to think about whatever it is you need to think through. If you’re not home by Friday, I will file for full custody. I’m not joking. I will give you the damn divorce if that is what you want. Your negligence is proof you’re unfit to parent anybody!
5.
It’s Saturday. I stayed in because your parents are away and I couldn’t afford a nanny for the night. I had Carter over to keep me company. He’s the only friend who hasn’t turned on you; keeps giving you the benefit of the doubt, telling me I shouldn’t worry, you’ll be back—keeping me sane. You know what I think? I think you’re testing me, and now you’re pushing it. Tell me, how does this play out for you? What happens to us? To Jax? What happens to our family? What happens to work? Do you expect me to take care of everything while you’re out having a good time? Am I supposed to make them go away, your responsibilities as a mother, a wife—just like that? Could you be any more selfish?
6.
I don’t have money for lawyers right now, but we’re done. You hear me? We are done. I don’t want to hear I’m sorry or any silly sweet nothings you’ve conjured up. I’m packing your bags and sending them over to your parents. What’s wrong with you? Wait, are you punishing me? Is this what it is? Because I was out having a good time without you? Are you teaching me a lesson? To know what it feels like to expect you to be somewhere and you’re not. To know what it feels like to call to no avail—upset, concerned, aggravated, worried, and still get radio silence. Okay, fine. You win. Now come home. I can’t be with Jax all the time, he’s getting out of hand too!
7.
I dropped by your office. Thought you mentioned something about your whereabouts to Taylor. Quite frankly, this whole thing is embarrassing. I’m your husband for crying out loud. I should know where you are. Taylor’s face said as much. Anyway, she was no help, had no clue either. So, what now? We wait? That’s what you want? I’ll give it one more day and then I’ll call the police. Tell them you’ve been kidnapped. Is that what you want? Your parents are starting to get worried now, asking me when I heard from you last. I can’t fathom telling them the truth—“Sorry Syd’s been gone for five days, and I haven’t heard from her because she got mad that I pulled an all-nighter and has stubbornly refused to take any of my calls. So, she’s either in real trouble or this could be some passive payback prank.” What are we, twelve? You condemn me for being childish but your actions are taking the cake this time. Somebody must be the adult right now, so if you care to know, I’m here trying to make sure everything and everyone is okay. So, while you’re out there doing God knows what with God knows who, remember that. Stop taking me for granted.
8.
Congratulations, you’re a missing person’s case. Your mom cried about it. Your dad thinks I am somehow responsible for all of this. Jax just keeps asking when you’re coming home. Sometimes I tell him soon, other times I say, “Mommy is taking a little break, but she loves you and wants you to never doubt that.” I do that for you, Syd, despite how you’ve left us. Because that’s what you’ve done, abandoned your family! I hope they find you, because maybe only then will you be sorry. Or…come home. Please. I miss you.
9.
I’m leaving Jax with your parents for the week. Your mother insisted. She thinks I’ve been drinking too much and it’s upsetting Jax. Apparently he tells her that I’m mad all the time. I was curious: “Mad as in angry or mad as in crazy?” I’ve been feeling a bit of both lately. He told your mom about my voice messages to you. Picked up on the fact that they’re never happy and he knows I’m lying when I say, “Mommy loves you.” The kid’s bright. A mother would never give up their child the way you did. Anyway, my friends will be over. They think it’s best if I distract myself. We’re thinking about going to the club. Thought you should know. Promise not to bring anyone back into our bedroom. Maybe.
10.
You should’ve told me, Syd. I’m sorry. I should’ve been home. I was supposed to protect you, to defend you. I know that now. I should’ve been there that night. It would’ve never happened if I was there. You were right to scream at me, to want me gone. I understand your hatred, your refusal to see or speak to me again. But please, believe me when I say I’ll find him. I’ll search until my last breath, and if the police don’t, I will. He’ll pay, I promise. But I know my promises mean little now, stained with my abandonment, my selfishness. I left you, us, for what? A fleeting moment of pleasure, of folly with friends. And now, the consequences haunt us both.
11.
“Syd? Syd? Please hear me—”
“Sorry, I’ve been away, drowning, whilst you were busy.”
“Syd? Don’t hang up—”
“You were busy that night, right? When a stranger showed up, he scared me. Lucky for Jax, he was asleep. I hope. I think he missed it.”
“Please, Syd, I’m sorry. I should’ve known better. I’m sorry.”
“He was behind me. The stranger. Hands? Rough, pressed against my mouth. Weapon? Knife. It’s tip was cold, teasing the side of my neck. He whispered: What defines your demons? He yanked me off the couch. I fought back. I could’ve sworn I did. In my head, I threw my strength at him. I bit. I barked. I scratched. I slapped. I punched. He pounced. He pushed. He cursed. He spat. He punched. He kicked. And then he held me down. He stole.”
“Syd, I know, sorry doesn’t count. Look, you don’t want to hear from me. But—”
“Must be true what they say. When a man has loved a woman he will do anything for her, except continue to love her. My love? Unnoticed, unappreciated, and almost impossible to return. What defines my demons?”
Xavierie M is a Cameroon writer living in Namibia. She navigates linguistic landscapes as a business and is a communication consultant writing in English and French. Her work has appeared in the In Times Of Pandemic anthology produced by the Goethe-Institut in Namibia and abctales.com. She shares her passion for literature by arranging the reading lists of the Readers Red Book Club. Xavierie is also a culinary enthusiast and food curator for social and corporate events.